Part 13: The Confusion

The Confusion

Welcome back! Last time on Black Geyser, a random woman came up to us and wanted us to do GREED. The thread voted no.



: Not interested. It sounds a bit shady to me.

: Ah, disappointing. But even the lady herself cannot know every outcome. Know that this opportunity is now lost to you. Farewell.


There were some questions as to what happened if we took the offer, and I found this on the steam forums:



Apparently accepting the amulet makes it so that looting raises the world greed, which supposedly causes riots and shit at max level. The amulet itself gives a minor stat boost and the "Summon Miser" spell which presumably summons an undead miser. You all just turned down the opportunity to destroy Yerengal and free us all, you monsters.



These guys are supposed to be rioting but they just spew their default lines.



We need to talk to the Royal Guard to progress.

: It's a wonder we don't get trampled.



It's time to go to a land of confusion and sadness once more as nothing makes sense.

: What in Yerengal is going on?



But he's a member of the Royal Guard. Shouldn't he about the level of the Secret Service? I can't imagine the Presidential Detail lacks any information about what happens at the White Hou - fuck it.



The soldiers are mass deployed at the palace.



: As one of the king's advisors, I need to know what's behind all this chaos. (Bargain and Persuasion)

: Of course, milady. I don't know all the details but there's been an assassination attempt on His Majesty, Alnarius save us. Thankfully, His Majesty is unhurt. Please report to the throne room at once.



The thread's favorite king is pacing back and forth muttering in an empty throne room.



: But who is behind these machinations? Perhaps Lady Gildesby? Yes, I've seen her talking behind her hand when she thinks I'm not looking... who knows what cunning and guile she's learned in her eight decades?

: But not her alone! Whoever plots against me casts a long shadow indeed...



...holy SHIT! Is an action going to have a clear and logical consequence? No.



The game conveniently forgets that Bjalla, as our follower, should also be under suspicion of treason.



But... why? What has Bjalla actually done? Did she do some service for the court to be elevated to nobility? Did the king secretly have a thing for her? She's literally been by our side as we helped Lord Frelsi, the chief traitor, solidify control of the city.

: Your Majesty, we were ambushed on the way to Deron-Guld and Rauche was killed. But these were no common bandits. They deliberately singled him out. (Bargain and Persuasion)



You... you weren't? There was a whole caravan we sent back to avoid the plague. Is the king supposed to be insane? Because I'm going to be honest, these are entirely reasonable actions to the crap Inta got railroaded into doing.

Also, false god? What the fuck? All these gods are considered real and we will meet them all, while Alnarius will never show up because nothing in this game is coherent

: I believe they were cultists of some kind, Your Majesty. They said they were acting according to the wishes of their god, but would not reveal who this divine entity is.


What happened to these guys? There's a whole sequence I cut where a teamster asks what to do and you tell him to go back. Did the cultists finish them off? Is the king playing dumb to catch us?

: And these supposed cultists are all conveniently dead, yes? Of course they are.



Of COURSE we don't have the option to tell him "they wouldn't surrender, but they're on the brink of collapse".

: Your Majesty, I explained your terms for the War Council's surrender exactly as you wished, but they stubbornly refused to accept. Lord Aldnar was particularly prickly about it. (Bargain and Persuasion)

I'm sorry, what is Aldnar lord of again? The king made a point that he was stripped of his title, and the title he would claim is now OURS. Is the king going to care? This is possibly explainable as us having been raised to address him as such, but we shouldn't really have any reason to show him any respect.

: In other words, you allowed your personal dispute with the traitor Aldnar to derail the negotiations... or are the two of you now working together?



Keep that last line in mind for the ending of this update.

: Never, Your Majesty! He murdered my father.

: Yes, all right. Let's leave that patricidal fool aside for now.



: Lord Frelsi is the most reasonable of them, Your Majesty. If a wedge could be driven into the War Council, that would be the place to start.

This also covers our ass because we weren't helping the head traitor solidify power, we were, uh... sabotaging the treason coalition! Yea!



Wait, huh? Is he not the founder of the War Council? He seems to be in charge and everyone wanted him to read the letter. I don't understand.



The only reason I don't take option 4 is because we need to see the upcoming events to believe them.

: Who is the assassin? Were they caught?

: Yes, he was caught. It was none other than Duke Kjarvalr, one of my most trusted advisors. Strange they would set a man of sixty-odd years on such a task... anyway, his trial is approaching.

But... but the guards were explicitly banning commoners and the assassin was a duke. Are we just supposed to chalk it up to that wacky curse?



: How do you know the Duke was working for Deron-Guld?



The problem is once again the writing. Is the King asking us to fabricate evidence against the Duke, or is this a legitimate request? I don't know! It's not like the King is even motivated by greed here, he caught the guy trying to kill him and is now 100% free to attainder all his lands for the crown! He's a traitor!

Just like Bjalla and Inta.

: How long do I have before the trial?



: What exactly should I be looking for?



: I will head for the Duke's manor at once, Your Majesty, if you'll tell me the location.




The problem with this sequence is that the king is supposed to be a paranoid madman throwing out baseless accusations, but he's right! We are traitors! We conspired with Deron-Guld to allow them to rearm and continue the war! He's a complete asshole about it, but he's not wrong that we betrayed him - and Bjalla absolutely should be questioned because she went into the Treason Mines with us.



This next sequence is entirely optional. We can go right back to the king and tell him we found nothing, but I know you all want to see how Black Geyser handles a mystery investigation.



But first... it's Hamblin' Time!

: It's the portrait of my lady stepmother.



: A thief stealing from a thief. Yes, outrageous is the word for it.

My guy, we literally gave you the painting and you lost it. You are the worst fuckin thief and you only compensate by being good at shooting arrows into people's eyes.



: This should be amusing. Let's go!

: Yes! I knew you'd understand.




These are bold words for the wife of a suspected traitor.

: Allow me to extend my condolences, Your Ladyship. We will try to resolve this matter as quickly as possible.



: Do you have any idea why the Duke would have tried to kill the King?



: What was your husband doing the night of the assassination attempt?



: Did your husband carry a blade?



: Was your husband acting strangely on or before that night? Like he was having hallucinations or perhaps had been drugged?



: His Majesty suggested Duke Kjarvalr is in the employ of Deron-Guld...



: Hm, let me think on this more.

: Of course. Let me know if there's anything else I can do.



: My friend here has a few questions about that magnificent portrait of the former Lady Espen.

: Yes, it's lovely isn't it?

: It's lovely and quite valuable.

God damn Hamlin, are you capable of any kind of subtlety at all?



If this two story house is the entire residence of the Duke I can safely say Lord Espen was richer.

: And how did this lovely painting come into your possession, Your Ladyship?

: Well, I purchased it, naturally!

: Of course. Purchased it from whom, Your Ladyship?



How does she know Hamlin isn't a noble? He's here with Lady Espen on behalf of the king investigating treason. We could seriously leave right now and throw her under the bus.

: Could your husband have been bribed or blackmailed into the assassination?



: Do you have any idea why the Duke would have tried to kill the King?



I'm gonna cut this short, the Duchess has a LOT of dialog which is "my husband did nothing wrong, he loves the king, blah blah blah."




The cook has a lot of lines about how the Duke is innocent but he was trying to get some Viagra.



Hamlin gets excited if we ask about the painting and we learn about its delivery.





Hamlin, that headpiece does not scream "low, rough sort".



: Are you talking about that painting someone stole from you?



Why would the fence travel alone? How do we know the thieves didn't sell them to the three guys who delivered it? I... fuck it.

: What's your next move then?

Look, this is a minor detail I wouldn't normally care about but because nothing in this game makes any sense it only illuminates these kinds of problems.



: Whatever you choose, I don't doubt your street-honed wits and frighteningly quick reflexes will get you what you want.

What wits?



Is this a romance thing? It doesn't feel like a romance thing.

: As for my current troubles, I've decided I'd better think on the problem on my own for a while.




We steal this scroll from the terrified Duchess and teach it to Bjalla. That does not increase GREED.



The maidservant is a terrible confidant because she tells us everything.

: This happened outside these walls, but do you believe Duke Kjarvalr tried to assassinate the king?



: Are there any other servants I should question?



: Was there something between her and the Duke?

It's weird she gets a name and is just called "Maidservant", but what do I know?

: Yes of course there is. That's why I mentioned her. Sweet Tilindia, do you need an illustration?



: What's special about her?

: There's something about her the Duke finds especially fascinating. You'd know if you saw her.



I don't think this was translated well.

: Where is she?



She has a bunch of dialog about "yea no the Duke is awesome and we have no other leads." Back to the Duchess.



: What's your opinion of the scullery maid, Frick?



: What do you mean?



: What in Yerengal would Duke Kjarvalr be doing at Greybark Square?



: And you don't think she and your husband were... special friends?



: Where is she now?



: Was there anything suspicious about her?

: Yes, her suspiciously big - she was just a drab girl from the slums.

: Lucky her.






The main quest marker tells us to investigate this two-story house that is apparently owned by Frick's totally poor family.



Sure. Why not. This guy has a voice actor that sounds like if the Dawn of War heretics were caught trying to take a constipated dump.



While I absolutely adore that middle option, we need to take the first option to progress this particular dumb branch.

: You! Stay away from that girl if you value your miserable life!

: Come save her then, hero!



The cultists are all massive pushovers who die easily.



: Who are you? What happened here?

: I am Frick Immel. I used to be a servant at the Duke's manor. These-they-killed my parents... and the Duke.

You would think the writing would acknowledge we used to be a scullery maid too. You'd be wrong.



: Duke Kjarvalr.



: But who are these mystery assassins?



: All right, listen to me, please. Your lover, Duke Kjarvalr, is dead. But there is another imprisoned at the castle, someone who looks exactly like the duke.



: Do you want the Duke to be remembered as a failed assassin? A traitor against the crown, against Isilmerald and everything he stood for? That is what will happen if you give into your grief now. (Bargain and Persuasion)



: There will be a trial for the assassin. His Majesty wouldn't tell me when. It could start any time. Come with me now and testify about what happened here. That is all.

: Yes. I will do it. I must do it. Let's get away from here now. I don't ever want to come back.

: I admire that silver tongue of yours, Inta Rume. Well done.

: Why is it always the poor servant wench who gets all the drama and grief in these situations?



Huh? She always knew our father was Lord Espen. Was this from another draft of the game?




The game is really starting to break down here as loading takes a while.



Time for a trial!

: Yes, Lady Espen! Step forward, please.



Hilariously, we can throw the Duchess under the bus too or make up shit about witchcraft, but we'll play it right for an extremely stupid and nonsensical scene.

: Your Majesty, during my investigation at the Duke's residence I questioned several members of the household, and their responses raised my suspicions that something devious was afoot.





Number five is mildly entertaining.

: The clues I gleaned from those conversations led me to Isilbright's direct slums where, it was rumored, the Duke's secret, much younger lover made her home. She was none other than the Duchess's scullery maid, Frick!

Lady Eks: A scullery maid! Tilindia save you, girl.

Lord Hunt: Tut tut, Duke Karvel, tut tut indeed.

: Poor thing. When the higher and lower classes mix, it never ends well. For the commoner, I mean.

I dunno Hamlin, you're still here, right?



Well, Frick, you agreed to testify and I'm pretty sure that's standard procedure.



: The most curious detail yet: a coterie of robed villains had killed Duke Kjarvalr - the real Kjalvalr - and the scullery maid's parents too. The Duke had been hiding out at the parents' hovel to avoid arrest for the failed assassination. I intervened and was fortunately able to save the young maid's life.

When you think about it, implicating Frick's family is a real shitty thing to do.

Lord Hunt: An obvious falsehood! The man's standing right there!

Lady Eks: What new treachery is this?

: :: Thank goodness.



I... huh? The companions chime in like we've scored a great victory, but we don't even know who "they" are.

: I find myself smiling for some reason. It is... disconcerting.



I'm really confused. Is this what we wanted? Lest we forget, this is the same king who stole our house and we have cleared the name of some guy we never met who seemed to be a scumbag lying and cheating to all the women in his life while risking his lover and their family.



Well, you could go send someone to see the corpse. What if the cultists removed it while we were gone?

: Now, young woman, I hope you will shed some light on this confusing tale. Do you concur with Lady Espen's account?



: Hmm, let me think on this a moment...

: I believe you, Lady Espen. Yes, you have done a great service to the crown, but I confess I am still struggling to understand, I-





The voice actor for Fake Duke Badman sounds like he really needs to get the very last turd out of his ass. It's not intimidating at all.



Guys, the king has figured it out too! He's realized the writers are fuckups!



The false duke extends his hands...



..and curls into the fetal position...

giving us probably the best main quest blurb in the game.





So the royal guards start turning evil while the rest of the guards, the king, Frick of the large breasts, and the nobles just stand there like dumbasses.



What they didn't count on was that we can explode these losers in under 20 seconds. Jade spawned the skeletons, so they're on our side. He is going to 360 noscope that traitor guard in the head and there's nothing he can do about it.



: Your Majesty, now you must understand that Deron-Guld did not send the duke's simulacrum. The crown faces a much more serious foe.

I will give the game some credit here. In the face of the muddled mess of writing it is somewhat indicative that... one of the evil cults is attempting to keep the civil war going and that's supposed to be the real enemy all the party members were excited about beating.

We have encountered these enemies twice, once when they killed Rauche and once when they sent Gerdra the Greed Honey to tempt us with the world's lamest scam. The Zorians are a completely different evil cult. You know, the guys in the mine with the blood pools?



The king does a complete 180 from "hating our guts and stealing our house" to "wow Lady Espen is the mostest awesomest person ever". Note that we never get the opportunity to ask for the house back.

: I'm just glad you survived, Your Majesty.



I... HUH????


: I come with an offer of an alliance with the Rillow, Your Majesty. All they ask in return is a trade concession: a reduction in the caravan tax of fifty percent.

I... huh? What? The deal was that we'd get the tax cut and then Alumu would send a doctor to stop the Deron-Guld plague.


An alliance was nowhere on the table, and if we're here from Deron-Guld we shouldn't be committing the Rillow to taking the field against th - fuck it. We transcended such petty matters as "plot" and "character motivation" eons ago.

: Of course. Good work. One of my viziers will see to the details.

: Though you undoubtedly deserve a long rest after your labors for the crown, because you have shown yourself most worthy of my trust, I must ask that you return to the Garden of Delights and secure this new alliance at once.


So yea, the king went from stealing our house and being racist to being our new BFF. Why not!



At least we got this off the demon dude.



I love how lame the GREED option is.

: His Majesty King Velianrick has agreed to your terms and is eager to form an alliance.

Now, Alumu never offered an alliance. Is she going to be mad?



I, uh... sure! Is that a reference to the alliance never being offered, or... you know what, I'm done.

: Now, as promised, I have summoned our most accomplished disease specialist, Isla. Isla, this is Inta Rume.



Isla enters and is just so glowy and sparkly and speshul.



Oh, yes, she's a temporary party member. Yes, this does mean the game will force us to pick someone who will get no XP for being out of the party.

: As lovely as ever, Isla, We share a brief moment of history.

Now, it's kind of strange, because the last time we saw Isla she was hanging around the Zoria cult headquarters in the past. Alumu works for Elenatuautaor the Djinni not-god who has his whole theocracy of crazed fanatics that will ineffectually threaten to murder you if you don't call him the "master of all Rillow". These two forces should not work together, but Isla is apparently NOT a Zoria cultist and was just hanging around for, uh, reasons. I don't know.



: Fifty years have passed since we met but you look no different.

Don't ask me how we know this, or why we don't bother asking her when she left the Zoria cult.



: And you know something about curing a plague?

: I do. My background in medicine, both magical and mundane, is extensive.



: The people of Deron-Guld are suffering under a very strange and highly contagious disease.





Ok. I know you guys like Sea Hag, but she is probably the weakest link in the team right now through no fault of her own. The game is also employing her abysmally.

: I'd like you to trade places with Sea Hag.

Now, for this kind of mysterious bullshit you'd think we'd want the chosen of the sea god, but this is Black Geyser and Isla is our exposition handler for Chapter Four.



Sea Hag goes off to drink with Helgenhar as I assume they compare notes to try to figure out what the fuck the plot is.

Also, we already got the achievement for finishing her quest line because this game is terrible.

: Wonderful! Let's head out then!


Next Time: Remember when I said there was an even stupider choice that let us kill the king?